With each move I have made over the past 30 years, I’ve worked hard to make the home mine (ours). We removed walls; remodeled kitchens; paid contractors; did it ourself; painted; patched; and created homes. It was exhausting, but rewarding.
Over the past few years, Art had told me that I’m not a good person. He has pointed out all of my flaws from being fat to being ungrateful. He has stated clearly that I was a terrible wife and person. He tore me down to the studs and left nothing to rebuild with.
The last two years I have focused on me. What makes me happy? What am I good at? How I want my kids to be raised? How I want to be seen by the world! I have big news…I’M DONE! Do you know what I have found at the end of two years?
I am exactly the same person.
Yes, I’m the same. I give with passion. I care with emotion. I work for a purpose. I love – I like – I hate. I have the happiest of happy time. I have the saddest of sad times. I have an opinion. I’m not afraid to share it. I want people to be happy around me, but not at the expense of others. I’m not the center of the universe. I’m part of a greater energy. I appreciate. I am grateful.
I am ME.
With this new discovery, I feel this blog has run its course. I may not give up on blogging; I may just write it for me; I may start a new one. I really don’t know. But I know I’ll be doing it with a smile on my face and a caring heart.
I would like to thank my followers – from my first blog to this one. I appreciate your constant support and honest opinions. I know many times I was whining just to see if you were listening. You gave me what I needed. I hope to give to you in return.
Last night I dreamed of snakes. Several…but not Indiana Jones level. Anyway, these snakes just slithered away. I watched their trail. The kids were telling me their species. Overall, not an exciting dream.
So I looked it up. Snakes are your fears. Maybe my fears I still don’t recognize, but I’m also not afraid of them. The good thing…they were moving away from me. Yes!
I assume because you are on WordPress that you are familiar with Vine. That’s the video social media that plays short videos on a constant loop. It’s entertaining. Well, most of the time…
Last night, I was working with a client. Her husband had an affair. He left. Now she has all the responsibilities of their previous life. He has no remorse.
Sound familiar? As she was talking, I could hear the exact words echoing in my head. I was definitely reliving the entire nightmare. It took all my power not to succumb to the anger. I mean: I’m living, I’m surviving, I’m doing things I never thought I could do.
So here’s my thought, all of our pain is different, but if we could just stop playing the Vine of it all then maybe we will get better faster. Or MAYBE we have to play the Vine loop so it just becomes too boring to have to watch it over and over and we find something else to do.
What do you think?
This weekend was my son’s graduation. Yes, Art flew into town and came to the events with his parents.
Event 1 – Senior Breakfast: This was my one solo event. It was fun. No, not being alone, just watching my son’s class enjoy remembering their senior year. See there are only 67 seniors. School is very personal here. My son won a fan and made us all laugh as he pumped his arms with his “success”.
Event 2 – Baccalaureate – Here is when the “fun” starts. Art and his parents arrive. My parents are off at other graduations. Art turns the corner and BAM! It would have been easier if someone had hit me with a baseball bat. His father then surprises me by attending. I was happy to see him. Then his mother turned the corner to hug me. It was more than I could handle. Luckily, my phone rang and I was able to duck out. Still shaking, I returned to get us all seated. I decide right there…don’t look at him; don’t talk to him; don’t listen to him…and he really isn’t there. After all, these are famous words Art has said on how he gets through his work day.
Event 3 – Graduation – My non-sister-in-law saved us seats. (okay there is a story on what is means to be a non-sister-in-law). So she saved us seats. She didn’t know that Art’s family was attending. Art didn’t ask me to see if he needed to save seats. I arrive late (thanks to roommate from college) and find us in the front row with Art and family somewhere in the back. I proceed to try and figure out how people got reserved seats. Turns out they are for former Board members, teachers, and their family. Then others marked their territory the night before. Oh – okay, it would have been nice if someone had told me.
Event 4 – Luncheon – Two months ago I had my son invite his father to the luncheon. Art didn’t want to “deal with the drama”. Okay, I followed up with an email. The day of the event I asked my daughter to ask them again. She emails and calls. Art declines again. So that is FOUR invitation and FOUR declines. I’m disappointed, but there was little more I could do. BUT WAIT! After lunch, I sent a full lunch to them at their hotel with a visit from the kids.
Now I have learn that Art is pissed. He can’t believe I would talk to him. (Well, I couldn’t talk because it hurt.) He can’t believe how I treated his Mom. (Well, I’m tired of her treating me like crap.) He couldn’t believe that I didn’t save him a seat a graduation. (Well, you didn’t ask me to. Nor have you communicated with me for the last two years.) He couldn’t believe I didn’t call and invite him to the luncheon myself. (I guess 4 invitations wasn’t enough.)
At least I can say one thing, he is consistent at blaming me.
A couple of days ago, we were sitting on our porch chatting with my niece. We all love her visits. She has a unique relationship with each of us. It is hard to explain. Then again, it just shows you what a wonderful person she is. Each of us cherishes our moments with her.
While chatting, we were laughing about something. My son said “Well, let’s face it, I don’t have many male role models.” Now I know this was NOT a dig against his father. Our family just has a large number of women.
Then again, my ex didn’t have much in the way of male role models. His father wasn’t involved in his life until he was applying for his career. Even then their conversations were limited to hunting and their shared career. My point is I can’t expect my Ex to know how to father.
Then there is my father. He was raised by an alcoholic father. Let’s just say parenting isn’t his thing either.
So my son is right. His best male role models are his uncles. When I say his uncles, I mean the men who were/are married to my sisters, not my ex’s brothers. Hunter and Billy are the only “full adults” available to my son. His other role model is his cousin Hunt. He is a good guy who is growing into being a great man like his father.
I guess this is an example where I just have to count my blessings. My son doesn’t have much, but he has a few men to follow. I’m thankful for what he has.
Wait! I did forget one other. Jeff (my college roommate’s husband), he is there for Arden. His first promise when he was born was to get Arden out of jail the first time he goes. Let’s hope that never happens! Then again, it wasn’t a bad promise.
Well tonight is one of those rare nights. I miss my ex for two reasons. I know…he’s an ass…he’s self centered…he isn’t a father. Well, that’s not my point tonight.
Frances came home with really bad news. Her grades suck. Yep, as I’ve been telling her for months, she has just realized (oh and exams start in 72 hours). This is also something that I told Art. He said he talked to her. Well, he didn’t exactly say it. I had to follow up with him a couple of times then he finally emailed it. None the less, he claims according to his email that he stressed on her the need to bring up her grades. (Here ends his parenting).
So now she sits with bad grades. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve given her the option to work with a tutor. I explained how she should do an online class to prep herself. She ignored me. Now she has bad grades. She accepts this, but I wonder if she really knows.
Whammie #1 – I miss having another parent.
Tonight I’m home from a party. I don’t get invited out much, but this is the party of the year. It’s for the American Cancer Society. There are a group of women who host it: great food, great music; the in-crowd: just basic fun. Plus it is in my neighborhood so most people walk. No worries about drinking and driving…just fun. As I walked home I was thinking, I miss talking with Art about our evening. Who we had met? Who had done something stupid? How the food was? Just talking.
Whammie #2 – I miss having a partner.
So that’s my night. Quiet..alone..and sorta vague.
My daughter came home yesterday a bit agitated. After awhile, she shared a story from school. The discussion was privacy. Is it an invasion of privacy to have street cameras for speeders? She was arguing that it wasn’t an invasion. A couple of classmates disagreed. Their logic “what if you’re having an affair and the street camera catches you?” My daughter’s response “you shouldn’t be having an affair!” The teacher’s answer “Students, she has morals.”
As she is telling me this I realize this affair has affected her more than I could imagine. I’m sure more than her father could imagine. I simply responded with “people don’t understand until they have experienced the affects of an affair.” And now, I’m still shaking my head. Poor Baby!
Be Honest with Yourself – Every day I remind myself that this is my new life. I need to make the most of it. There are days that I’m happy. There are days that I’m sad. But, I know I’m not special in this way. We all have good days and bad. It’s what we do with them that sets us apart.